community ambivalence./// UNKN-1347 — 'epithet' ///

all-in-all, it sucks. to hold such strong ambivalence for a faction of life that is, at the end of the day, inherent to so many species— that should be inherent to oneself— it fucking sucks. it's difficult to balance. that's all that can be said. [i] do try to become a part of communities. it never works. it probably never will. it's definitely a result of [my] personality. of [my] experiences. the ambivalence itself feels worse than if it could be one or the other.

who knows. having two friends of whom are conversed with at least once a day, along with a partner of whom is conversed with every day... that is... supposedly fine. kind of tired of trying to become truly entrenched within a community. when it is something that one cannot truly partake in, then why bother? why bother bothering?

being around people is annoying. being around people is suffocating. being around people is infuriating. it's all sorts of bad. which sucks. but it's fine. [we]'ve given up on [our]self ever being part of a community. it is quite difficult. given [our] having CLASSIFIED making socializing the way people without those near-impossible. being autistic does not help, either. it's a tragedy.

getting a migraine now, though. so... this has to be cut short. oh, well. at the end of the day, ambivalence is hell and feeling it with the concept of community is a least favorite.