five years. more than that, in reality; five years, six months, thirteen days. there is nothing more painful than losing what had once been the brightest light throughout ones life — there is nothing more painful than looking at the dim lights in the night sky all whilst knowing that many of those are a memory not-yet-forgotten by the earth of the star that had once occuppied the lights' space. five years, six months, thirteen days ago i was awoken to the aftermath your supernova, and ever since, your light began to dim, slowly but surely — with the life you once had now persevering through memories not-yet-forgotten by those who loved you. the gasses of your nebula used to be suffocating — impairing me from thinking and overtaking me with unbearable grief. you know we have never been the greatest when it came to handling what should be the processing of our emotions — so when we had to deal with such intense, unbridled grief, you of all beings would understand how debilitating the loss of your presence would be. god, i know you would. you always understood. the one shining light source on our isolated planet, the one beacon of hope within our childhood, the one who came to mind first-and-foremost when backing out of an attempt at suicide.

we would not be here without you — ever since that fateful day you were discovered june of 2010, you were our only rock and support system, you were the only way we were able to endure the abuse from our father, from our "friends". we're sorry you had to endure abuse from our father, too. neither of us deserved it, god, it could not be repeated enough that we did not deserve to meet the cruelty we met from those meant to care for us. you did not deserve to be abandoned as a little puppy, only one month old. you were so small. we were so, so small.

we would still not be here without you — even after the blinding light of your supernova on may 22nd, 2019; your nebula is no longer suffocating, rather, it is comforting — if not painful to breathe in, at times, as it is a reminder you are no longer here in the same way you had been prior. thank you for letting us spend your last day together on may 21st. thank you for always letting me take you on a walk on your birthday. thank you for letting us be together for that birthday walk. thank you for being the reason i didn't kill myself for the 9 years you were in my life. thank you for securing i lived long enough to meet a small selection of people who would treat me well. thank you. you could never be thanked enough. you have done so much. thank you for staying even for the 5 years after you fell ill. thank you for staying despite everything. i know you were hurting. you were always so grumpy, so tired, yet so energetic and loving to those who understood you. thank you for allowing me to understand you. rest easy, buddy.